When Did I Become Invisible?

The days of being whistled at, hooted and hollered at are definitely gone. When I was fresh out of college and working at an Ad agency in New York City, all the female assistants used to haggle with each other on who was going to take the 12 o'clock lunch. No one wanted to take it because that was when the construction workers would take their lunch and sit outside the construction site yelling and hissing at all the young, pretty woman who walked by. It felt like they had x-ray vision and could see right through my many layers of clothing. I thought if only they made bras and panties constructed of lead for this type of situation. Then only Superman would be able to see my lady parts. It was humiliating and extremely uncomfortable.

At the time, I had no idea I would miss the attention. I could walk by now and wouldn't get a second glance. What happened?

Is it just because I am in my 50's? Is it the weight gain that came with menopause and medication? Did I change that much? Is it because I no longer produce the hormones that attract the opposite sex? But the biggest question I ask myself now is, why do I even care?

I have so many successes in my life that have nothing to do with age or looks. I had a successful career in a senior-level role at a major entertainment company. I have a husband who loves me. I have two wonderful sons. I have a beautiful, loving family, friends I adore, survived cancer, volunteer to help other cancer survivors, and the list goes on.

There was a time I used to wish my superpower was to become invisible. I wanted to be able to slip in and out of work without having to be assaulted with questions like, how was your weekend or are those new shoes. Ugh!! Can I just get to my office, get a cup of coffee and then maybe, just maybe we can banter about those topics that don't matter to either one of us? And now that I actually feel invisible, I don't like it.

It's not just the opposite sex. As a matter of fact, it's worse with women. Actually young women. On numerous occasions, I have been in a store and bumped into by young women who seemed to have seen right through me as if I wasn't even there. No "sorry," no "excuse me," no acknowledgment whatsoever. And no they weren't looking at their phone at the time.

In this wonderful time where women are embracing each other and banding together to fight the good fight, are the older gals excluded from this prestigious group? Shouldn't our experiences, education, wisdom, and insight be celebrated rather than discarded because we are no longer seen as pretty, young, or relevant?

I am certainly not free of those thoughts and feelings that can weigh you down and unable to move forward. When I find myself going down that rabbit hole, I ask myself a few questions. Do I really want to be ogled by the guy at the construction site or get a second glance from the guy in the car next to me or be acknowledged when I walk into a store? Actually, my answer is still yes so I may have to go a little deeper with the questions I ask myself. Maybe the question isn't, why do I feel invisible to these people that don't matter in my life but rather, who are the people I need to be visible to and how do I make myself more visible to them? Much more empowering, don't you think?

I decided to create two lists (I love lists). The first is a list of whom I feel invisible to and the other a list of whom I am visible to. The two lists are drastically different. The number of people on the invisible to list is small and insignificant in my life literally and figuratively. The people on the visible to list mean so much to me and give my life purpose and meaning.

I certainly was not invisible to the cancer survivors I coached and supported. Not invisible to my kids or my family (okay well, maybe sometimes). Not invisible to my friends who love me and don't judge. Friends who I laugh and cry with. Not invisible to the people I help and coach, not invisible to the organizations where I volunteer, and most certainly not invisible to my dogs.

I hear this topic so often from other middle-aged women. They spent their whole lives raising kids, excelling in their careers, balancing and managing their lives and the lives of so many others just to get to this point in life to be left feeling invisible and irrelevant. It just doesn't seem fair.

I coached a woman who felt exactly like this, but it left her feeling so powerless and unimportant that she was unable to pursue her dreams of owning her own company. So she remained stuck and stayed at the job that she found mundane and meaningless. Our work together helped her realize her purpose and what lit up her soul. She was soon able to shift her focus from I feel invisible and irrelevant to I am worthy and deserving of living the rest of my life, my way. Focusing on who you can help and be of service to, can be a powerful tool when feeling unimportant and insignificant. She is now extremely visible and extremely relevant to the people she helps, very comfortable with it and much happier too.

Comparing my two lists helped me realize that I need to set my sights on what is truly important to me and shift my focus. And actually, sometimes it's not so bad slipping in and out of the store going unnoticed. Free to roam and browse as I please. And on the flip side, it is so much more rewarding to allow yourself to be visible to someone and have them respond in a positive way. For me, it's the guy dressed up in a superhero costume outside of a Play It Again Sports, spinning a super sale sign. He waves at all the cars that drive by without caring if he gets a wave or a beep in return. He has chosen to make himself visible to everyone who drives past. My little wave back to him erupted in an even bigger wave and a bigger smile by him that in turn, made me smile bigger and wave harder. I was so touched by that moment that it kept me smiling for a good part of the day. A superhero indeed. A small act of kindness with a big reward that costs nothing. Where's my 'that was easy button'?

Think about the times you have felt invisible and jot down the people that made you feel that way. Then think of all the people/pets you feel visible to and jot those people down. Which list matters to you most?

About the writer

Lynn Finley is a writer and life coach who helps her clients bring a sense of well-being, balance, and ownership to work/life challenges and transitions. Lynn has over 25 years of corporate experience, including as a Senior VP at Disney, where she led a 100-person team and is a Certified Professional Coach. Lynn is a contributing author to the personal transformation book series Pebbles in the Pond-Wave Three and the Grown and Flown website. Learn more